How to change a diaper:

the man way...

Posted by David Kranz on August 7, 2014

Items Needed

  • A baby that has a dirty diaper
  • At least one fresh diaper
  • Baby wipes

Step 1:  Your first task is to find a baby that has recently went to the bathroom and locate a clean and sanitary space to change them. Be sure the baby belongs to you or someone you know. This might be the easiest step in my list. Babies by nature are very dirty creatures, as soon as you see one, there is a high probability that the baby just went to the bathroom and needs a change.

Step 2:   Find a fresh diaper. Any brand will do and most are overpriced due to the fact they come with adorable Disney characters lining the outside of the diaper. You should also have your container of baby wipes within arm’s reach.

Step 3:   Place the baby on its back and use your superior upper body strength to pin subject down on its back with one arm and an open palm facing down. Caution: Not all babies enjoy this step. To this day I have yet to see anyone change a diaper while baby is lying on its stomach.

Step 4:   Unfold and open the fresh diaper towards you with your free arm. The tabs used for fastening should be farthest away from you once the diaper is completely unfolded. If you have done this correctly any Disney characters on the diaper’s outside should not be visible.

Step 5:   Remove lower portion of the child’s clothes so that their soiled diaper is visible. Grab both legs and raise them towards you. While the baby is distracted, slide your fresh open diaper underneath and lower the baby back on top. The baby’s butt should be placed directly on crease where diaper was originally folded. This crease should be your target area for aligning the baby on top of fresh diaper.

Common sense may be useless in most situations...

The moment of truth.

Until now you are not fully aware of the damage such a small person can create. Take a deep breath… Remove the soiled diaper your baby is currently wearing by unfastening the tabs connected to the front of the dirty diaper. Give yourself a second to adjust to the sight before you. As fast as humanly possible, raise baby’s legs again and wipe furiously anywhere human waste is present with baby wipes. Place any used dirty baby wipes directly into dirty diaper once the baby’s problem area is clean.

Step 7:   With the baby’s legs still grasped in your one hand, slide the dirty diaper out from underneath. Next, lower the clean baby on top of fresh diaper below. Again, you should be lining up what should be a clean baby butt with the middle of your clean diaper.

Step 8:   Pull the part of the clean diaper closet toward you as far as it stretches and fold on top of baby’s ‘danger zone’ while holding in place. Next, reach behind the baby and grab new diaper’s tabs. Unhook tabs and pull both sides towards the center of baby that should now be covered. Stick tabs directly to the front of the diaper. The straps will stick fairly well and the diaper should now be secured and ready for future abuse.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Step 9:   Finally, dress your baby and prepare to begin a process of hand washing that could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a couple of days (depending really on what baby had for dinner last night).

Potty training is why daddy drinks...